Forgiveness for Myself

            Have you ever experienced a time in which you felt so down on yourself and didn’t know what to do? You were upset with your performance in something and got so down on yourself you felt depressed? That is the time in which you have to get forgiveness in yourself and just move on. I experienced that my senior year of high school after my District Golf Tournament. I needed to find within myself, the realm of forgiveness.

            It was a cool autumn morning in the fall of 2012 and I was at my District Golf Tournament for my high school, which was Eaton High School. It was my senior year, my last hurrah to do something great for myself and for my school. The high expectation of me doing so well was definitely in the back of my mind. The whole time leading up to the tournament, I had those thoughts in the back in my head, which is what in the end haunted.

            My first tee shot went well, but after that, everything went downhill really fast. I bogeyed my first hole, triple bogeyed the second hole and then double bogeyed the next. I went 6 over in my first 4 holes. It’s what ultimately killed me the rest of the day. I ended my front nine shooting a 42, 6 over par. The back nine I shot a 40, 4 over par. I shot an 82, 10 over. I missed the State golf tournament by 5 shots. So I looked back at those first 4 holes and got really upset knowing that is what ultimately killed me. Only missing by 5 haunted me.

            For a few weeks I sat around, feeling what I suppose was depression. I didn’t have the motivation to do anything. The 5 shots kept haunting me. I knew I could have made it but I didn’t. I kept telling myself I wasn’t good enough. It just kept eating at me and eating at me. Literally killing my mental physic. After what seemed to be forever, but was only 3 weeks, I came to a realization, I needed to forgive myself for not making it. Being depressed wasn’t going to fix anything.

            When I came to the realization that I needed to forgive myself, I also got the call from a college to play golf. That college being Defiance College. That also really helped me turn my depression around and gave me the extra boost to forgive myself. Getting that call from Defiance College really helped say to me that I actually really was good enough. That’s when I knew my forgiveness in myself had been reached.

            When I forgave myself, it was a huge relief. Being able to forgive yourself when something doesn’t happen that you expected is a main thing to do. You have to forgive to forget because there is nothing you can do to go back and fox what happened. That is what I realized in myself. I forgave myself to forget what happened to me. Look at me now, I’m a college golfer living the dream. What more could I ask for?